I had one of those so-called 'Ah-ha' type moments tonight watching Biggest Loser. There is a contestant on there named Abby. She lost her entire family - her husband, little girl and baby - two years ago, and today is on the Biggest Loser.
How do you get to that place where you are able to do that?
I am probably the most egregiously emotional person I know. It doesn't take a great deal to effect me, and I am definitely a sucker for just about any true sentimental story you can throw at me (which is funny, because on the flip side I am also one of the most sarcastic and skeptical people I know as well: the two are an odd combination to say the least).
This made me bawl.
It also somehow got me on the elliptical - but that is another story.
I am sure every mother out there lives with the fear of losing their child, and for each one it is a different experience. For me though, this fear is a deeper issue: I am so enamored of my child - she is so sweet and funny and smart and beautiful - that I don't think I really deserve to have been given her. Seriously. Now granted, even though she is only one, and definitely has signs of potential troublemaker written all over her curious little face, I honestly feel like God has personally given me one of his little angels to raise, and I am terrified, truly terrified, that He is going to realize his mistake and take her back.
Even as I write this I am praying the Good Lord doesn't take me too seriously, and that He doesn't get any ideas. I know my child isn't really mine, she is here for her own journey, etc. etc. but I just never in a million years could have imagined how it feels to be a mother and moreover, do not have words to express how lucky I feel that even though her momma is a little, well, high-strung, thus far she shows all signs of being a happy, joyful lil thing...despite the 10 month continual anxiety attack her mother was for her entire pregnancy.
It was bad. Really bad.
Anyway, I am doing a little better now. I did the elliptical, I did some weights, I walked through the neighborhood in the dark in true dramatic fashion. Hopefully now I will sleep without worry.
Thank you God, for my baby girl, who helps me see You better every day.
Showing posts with label baby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label baby. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Some Things Fall Apart...and Some Need To.
You get up in the morning and get the baby a bottle, dressed, etc. You find a tie for your husband. You squeeze in a shower but cannot manage to get it dried as well. You kiss baby and hubby goodbye, jump in the car, negotiate traffic and are in the office by 8am to start your work day.
Your work day ends around 7pm. You drive home, kiss husband, grab baby, try and shove as much love, attention and nurturing as you can in a 2 hr time slot. Baby goes in the crib, the laptop comes out and guess what? You are working again.
While I cannot say that this is truly living - it wasn't, I can say that working as hard as I did to try and make myself recession-proof ultimately did not provide the payoff I'd hoped. Through no fault of my own, despite the number of hours worked, I found out last week that as of August 7th I am out of a job.
There comes a time when you need to start looking at the way you are living and the prayers you are praying. It's funny - that very morning I was "Hail Mary'ing" my way to what end, I don't know. I was praying for something - some kind of respite. Then to actually have it happen on that day - well, to say the least, I am floored.
I work in HR. I know what it is like out there - each of my days is like reading another list of stories that ended poorly on resumes. I had made it through several rounds of RIF's already at my company, and was counted on to help keep the faith of our staff at large...communicating only a positive message to my hiring managers, etc. Ironically, I am now held to an agreement not to tell anyone that this time it is ME losing the job...and I can keep the job that I have for an additional few weeks in exchange for my silence.
I do have a sense of humor - I do see the irony in this. I do believe that things happen for a reason, and that this occurrence is probably some response to my prayers or lack of movement as well. Seeing Sydney and the thought of actually getting to spend some time emmersed in watching her grow is exciting, as is the prospect of a few weeks off. Heck, maybe I can actually work out or garden?!
But OH THE FEAR!!! I've looked at what is out there, I've started networking, I've already tried to start the creative juices running. I have even looked at maybe doing something different, something I love more with more creativity and freedom involved... it is a fight between my hope and my anxiety on a daily basis.
Today, hope is winning. That said - I never want to put myself in this position again. Work has gotten far too large a portion of my baby's life and taken too much of me away in the past nine months...without even the reward of stable employment. In the end - I had no control over whether or not I kept my job at all. Next time is going to be different.
Your work day ends around 7pm. You drive home, kiss husband, grab baby, try and shove as much love, attention and nurturing as you can in a 2 hr time slot. Baby goes in the crib, the laptop comes out and guess what? You are working again.
While I cannot say that this is truly living - it wasn't, I can say that working as hard as I did to try and make myself recession-proof ultimately did not provide the payoff I'd hoped. Through no fault of my own, despite the number of hours worked, I found out last week that as of August 7th I am out of a job.
There comes a time when you need to start looking at the way you are living and the prayers you are praying. It's funny - that very morning I was "Hail Mary'ing" my way to what end, I don't know. I was praying for something - some kind of respite. Then to actually have it happen on that day - well, to say the least, I am floored.
I work in HR. I know what it is like out there - each of my days is like reading another list of stories that ended poorly on resumes. I had made it through several rounds of RIF's already at my company, and was counted on to help keep the faith of our staff at large...communicating only a positive message to my hiring managers, etc. Ironically, I am now held to an agreement not to tell anyone that this time it is ME losing the job...and I can keep the job that I have for an additional few weeks in exchange for my silence.
I do have a sense of humor - I do see the irony in this. I do believe that things happen for a reason, and that this occurrence is probably some response to my prayers or lack of movement as well. Seeing Sydney and the thought of actually getting to spend some time emmersed in watching her grow is exciting, as is the prospect of a few weeks off. Heck, maybe I can actually work out or garden?!
But OH THE FEAR!!! I've looked at what is out there, I've started networking, I've already tried to start the creative juices running. I have even looked at maybe doing something different, something I love more with more creativity and freedom involved... it is a fight between my hope and my anxiety on a daily basis.
Today, hope is winning. That said - I never want to put myself in this position again. Work has gotten far too large a portion of my baby's life and taken too much of me away in the past nine months...without even the reward of stable employment. In the end - I had no control over whether or not I kept my job at all. Next time is going to be different.
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