Dressy Bessy and the Time Warp

How is it that my daughter is already dressing herself? I mean, granted, she also peed all over my dining room and takes potty training as an elective swimming sport, but seriously? This weekend we are converting her crib to a toddler bed, and while I am fascinated at the speed of her growth, I am terrified I might miss something.

My 10 week year old son (I still am not used to saying son, and honestly, in the midst of all that goes on I fear he is still not in the "terribly interesting" stage even in the face of all his cuteness) is already sitty up in a Bumbo chair. He is 13pounds and already developing an opinion about the world.

My oldest niece just went off to college this Sunday; Monday I used Skype for the first time to talk to her and see her room. What a difference from when I went to college: we wrote letters by hand, and the only way anyone saw pictures was if I mailed them physically home, and we still used phones that attached to walls to dial out our homesickness. NOTHING happened in real time and certainly not in pictures.

Finally, I am somehow in the last two weeks of my maternity leave. Where the heck did the time go and who put a life that has been relatively uneventful and non-exciting on warp speed?

I guess the lesson here is to try and live in the moment while you can because they move so quickly that we miss what we don't embrace, and also, just to write stuff down as much as possible because there is so much happening at the same time that there is no other way you are possibly going to remember anything.

The other lesson of the day: cleaning up pee with a paper towel is pretty ineffectual.

Mommy-daughter adventures

I write this to remind myself, at later times when I really need a good reminder, of my adventures with Sydney.  Documentation is especially important as my days are numbered: my maternity leave is drawing to a close and my life will again belong less to kiddos and more to corporate america (where I will gratefully work to provide for the aforementioned and try not to complain about it) so as far as I am concerned the dust bunnies can wait.

Today's jaunt was a trip to Phillip's Park in Aurora, Illinois.  It was just the two of us; my husband was home (sick) with the baby.  The place was beautiful: they have sunken gardens, gorgeous flowers, a zoo, and a forested area that holds a gigantic playground.  There are some cool animals, a splash pad for the children and huge, beautiful trees as far as the eye can see.

For my daughter it was wonderland, and her delight was palpable.

From her excitement and constant chatter in the car to her squeals when she saw the bald eagles, my little one sees the magic I sometimes struggle to access.  In front of a giant flower display she still notices an ant; near the preening peacocks she saw a dancing monarch and felt compelled to chase it.  She really *sees* things and demands you try and take notice too.

She does so many things that crack me up - said goodbye to a napkin on the ground, warned a bunch of much older kids (they were climbing the rails of a toy bridge) to "be careful!" and " watch out" in a voice heavy with concern for them.  She ran ahead but kept a close eye on my location even as she carefully sized up the competition for the slides.  She turns for my reaction and acknowledgements as she dances a jig in the water feature, soaking her ice-cream splattered dress and sticky legs.

She is growing so darn fast.  Every day I fear I am missing something, terrified I will take something for granted and poof the time will be gone.  My little partner in crime with the brilliant smile and floppy hat wants only my time and attention right now and I know how fleeting that is even when I am too stupid to appreciate it. 

That is why I sit here in the dark, typing this entry into my smartphone instead of waiting for a later time.  It has taken me 39 years to realize that there is no such thing and if I don't burn these images into my brain right now I will lose them to the vagaries of time and they are too precious to lose. 

I love you Sydney.  Thank you for this wonderful day.

Family gratitude

I don't write much anymore.  I don't have much of an excuse except that I usually only have one hand available at a time these days and function at lesser degrees of consciousness a la raising babies: I am frankly afraid my ability to articulate anything well is gone. 

But at 3:09am on July 31, I am both conscious and thoughtful and wanted to jot down a few things.

I am grateful.  I am not always so; frequently I am overwhelmed by the challenges of the day, obsessed with what I am not or frustrated with who I am - but in this moment thankfulness for my lot in life resonates.

I have an amazing daughter - so much so that I worry I will burst of the wonder of her at only the age of 2 and fear the implications of being given such a wonderful gift.  I rejoice in seeing the world anew through her eyes. 

I have a newborn son.  All of 7 weeks old he doesn't do much but exist and be cute; I look daily to see what new changes I might see even as I wonder how life with a boy child is going to change my life.  He is still very new to me but I can't get enough of his smell and soft skin.

My sisters are crazy and maddening but they are mine and I wouldn't trade them for anything; I am comforted and strengthened by them both.  I am lucky enough to still have my mom and dad both, a huge and loving extended family, and a husband who has become my rock in many ways.

At this moment it isn't about the impossible or fear or angst.  In this moment, I just sit here and appreciate being me...and understand how I am not just me but a"lso them.  I am a part of something very special and it is enough. 

I am enough.

Destination Unclear

Do you ever wake up in the morning and just wonder - where the heck am I and how the hell did I get here?

I have many blessings in my life. I have the most loving, beautiful, creative and fun toddler in the world. I have free day care via my mother-in-law. I have a job that pays me enough to put food on our table and gas in my car.

I am pregnant with our second child.

And yet? I still wake up every morning wondering how I got here and where I am going.

The profession that I am in - Human Resources, specifically, recruiting, was not something that I would have picked off a list for things I would love to do. I fell into it: talking to people and making judgement calls and analyzing potentials are all things I can do fairly readily.

But I went to school for writing. I went to school for philosophy. My secret hopes professionally were to become either a counselor of some sort or a writer...

but I never knew what to write, and I am wired as the penultimate of emotional females - a typification which, from my view from the other side of the couch, is likely not exactly a class proven effective in a counseling arena.

What am I good at?

I am a pretty good mom.
I can analyze the heck out of people.
I can occasionally make a good joke.
I am an effective communicator with anyone not in my family of origin.
I am intuitive.
I can usually spot a liar at 100 paces.

Where does this lead me?

Nowhere that I can imagine. I would go to grad school if I knew what I wanted to be; I could set goals if I knew what they were. I would be ecstatic if I even knew what general direction I wanted to head.

Instead, I am here. Pregnant. Married. Employed. Not really designed to be a corporate girl or a ladder-climber, but unsure what in the world God intended me to do when he put me on this earth, and thus far my requests have netted silence.

::birds chirping::

See?

Gratitude for undeserved gifts

I had one of those so-called 'Ah-ha' type moments tonight watching Biggest Loser. There is a contestant on there named Abby. She lost her entire family - her husband, little girl and baby - two years ago, and today is on the Biggest Loser.

How do you get to that place where you are able to do that?

I am probably the most egregiously emotional person I know. It doesn't take a great deal to effect me, and I am definitely a sucker for just about any true sentimental story you can throw at me (which is funny, because on the flip side I am also one of the most sarcastic and skeptical people I know as well: the two are an odd combination to say the least).

This made me bawl.

It also somehow got me on the elliptical - but that is another story.

I am sure every mother out there lives with the fear of losing their child, and for each one it is a different experience. For me though, this fear is a deeper issue: I am so enamored of my child - she is so sweet and funny and smart and beautiful - that I don't think I really deserve to have been given her. Seriously. Now granted, even though she is only one, and definitely has signs of potential troublemaker written all over her curious little face, I honestly feel like God has personally given me one of his little angels to raise, and I am terrified, truly terrified, that He is going to realize his mistake and take her back.

Even as I write this I am praying the Good Lord doesn't take me too seriously, and that He doesn't get any ideas. I know my child isn't really mine, she is here for her own journey, etc. etc. but I just never in a million years could have imagined how it feels to be a mother and moreover, do not have words to express how lucky I feel that even though her momma is a little, well, high-strung, thus far she shows all signs of being a happy, joyful lil thing...despite the 10 month continual anxiety attack her mother was for her entire pregnancy.

It was bad. Really bad.

Anyway, I am doing a little better now. I did the elliptical, I did some weights, I walked through the neighborhood in the dark in true dramatic fashion. Hopefully now I will sleep without worry.

Thank you God, for my baby girl, who helps me see You better every day.

Biggest Loser Home Edition

OK, I may have mentioned I am presently embroiled in a weight loss initiative. While actual numbers here are probably not important to you - they are important to me, and I have over 100 lbs to lose before I am on the books anywhere close to healthy.

I have been watching the Biggest Loser this season for the first time and I have to say - I really wish I had tried out for the show. Had my sister been willing to go with me, I probably would have at least stood in line. It is amazing to me what can be done physically with enough time, effort, and coaching. My humiliation would be worthwhile to me if it meant I could finally get better and healthy and all of those things.

The one difficulty that I have with the show is that I am not sure if these people are actually given opportunity to spend time with a counselor. There is a huge component to obesity that is psychological: if there wasn't, the diet industry would not be making so much money on repeat customers. I honestly believe that for most people, there is a disease portion to their weight issues, whether that be physical or mental. No one would CHOOSE something that is so unhealthy.

One of my best friends has signed up for lap band surgery. She feels it is really her only option at this point, and is just sick and tired of dealing with all the garbage associated with the yo-yo weight process. Part of me is jealous that she is doing it, in all honesty: if I didn't think I wanted more children, I might consider it myself. My biggest internal concern is simply that for me I am afraid it is more mental than physical: while lap band may work physically, I am more concerned about what happens to all of that mental junk up there when your coping mechanisms dissappear. I've got enough issues with anxiety and depression as it is: if I am going to lose this weight I am going to have to deal with that stuff and do the work that it takes.

So I've started. I figure this is the perfect time: I am unemployed and don't have the excuse that I've not got some time. I have an elliptical in the basement, so I can't say I don't have any tools. I am writing down what I eat, I am following a food plan, and I am showing up to exercise. I am going to figure out a way to get this into my life and make it a part of my habits. And, the biggest thing? I am praying. I believe I am the only who can change me - but I also believe that not only do I need to take positive action, I also need God to help me along the way.

This is scary for me. Obesity is scarier. For myself and my family, I am going to change.

New Ventures

So...I've started a new venture as an Examiner at Examiner.com. I am almost afraid to be excited about it, but it certainly beats being consumed with worry on my pending unemployment.

It is a strange thing: I've always wanted to write and always enjoyed the process - it's more been the lack of creative story lines etc. that have kept me from attempting much more than commentary or the odd short story or just random journal-writing. I'm psyched, but it also leaves one feeling pretty vulnerable: to have a little bit of yourself out there all exposed is terrifying.

I'm actually having fun! I don't know how long this will last and I am trying not to look too far ahead but it is a strange feeling to be enjoying what I am doing for once, even if thus far I think I've earned all of $1.97 doing it.

Still hoping for that big lottery win!

Anyway, here is my favorite picture from my article today.