I had one of those so-called 'Ah-ha' type moments tonight watching Biggest Loser. There is a contestant on there named Abby. She lost her entire family - her husband, little girl and baby - two years ago, and today is on the Biggest Loser.
How do you get to that place where you are able to do that?
I am probably the most egregiously emotional person I know. It doesn't take a great deal to effect me, and I am definitely a sucker for just about any true sentimental story you can throw at me (which is funny, because on the flip side I am also one of the most sarcastic and skeptical people I know as well: the two are an odd combination to say the least).
This made me bawl.
It also somehow got me on the elliptical - but that is another story.
I am sure every mother out there lives with the fear of losing their child, and for each one it is a different experience. For me though, this fear is a deeper issue: I am so enamored of my child - she is so sweet and funny and smart and beautiful - that I don't think I really deserve to have been given her. Seriously. Now granted, even though she is only one, and definitely has signs of potential troublemaker written all over her curious little face, I honestly feel like God has personally given me one of his little angels to raise, and I am terrified, truly terrified, that He is going to realize his mistake and take her back.
Even as I write this I am praying the Good Lord doesn't take me too seriously, and that He doesn't get any ideas. I know my child isn't really mine, she is here for her own journey, etc. etc. but I just never in a million years could have imagined how it feels to be a mother and moreover, do not have words to express how lucky I feel that even though her momma is a little, well, high-strung, thus far she shows all signs of being a happy, joyful lil thing...despite the 10 month continual anxiety attack her mother was for her entire pregnancy.
It was bad. Really bad.
Anyway, I am doing a little better now. I did the elliptical, I did some weights, I walked through the neighborhood in the dark in true dramatic fashion. Hopefully now I will sleep without worry.
Thank you God, for my baby girl, who helps me see You better every day.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Biggest Loser Home Edition
OK, I may have mentioned I am presently embroiled in a weight loss initiative. While actual numbers here are probably not important to you - they are important to me, and I have over 100 lbs to lose before I am on the books anywhere close to healthy.
I have been watching the Biggest Loser this season for the first time and I have to say - I really wish I had tried out for the show. Had my sister been willing to go with me, I probably would have at least stood in line. It is amazing to me what can be done physically with enough time, effort, and coaching. My humiliation would be worthwhile to me if it meant I could finally get better and healthy and all of those things.
The one difficulty that I have with the show is that I am not sure if these people are actually given opportunity to spend time with a counselor. There is a huge component to obesity that is psychological: if there wasn't, the diet industry would not be making so much money on repeat customers. I honestly believe that for most people, there is a disease portion to their weight issues, whether that be physical or mental. No one would CHOOSE something that is so unhealthy.
One of my best friends has signed up for lap band surgery. She feels it is really her only option at this point, and is just sick and tired of dealing with all the garbage associated with the yo-yo weight process. Part of me is jealous that she is doing it, in all honesty: if I didn't think I wanted more children, I might consider it myself. My biggest internal concern is simply that for me I am afraid it is more mental than physical: while lap band may work physically, I am more concerned about what happens to all of that mental junk up there when your coping mechanisms dissappear. I've got enough issues with anxiety and depression as it is: if I am going to lose this weight I am going to have to deal with that stuff and do the work that it takes.
So I've started. I figure this is the perfect time: I am unemployed and don't have the excuse that I've not got some time. I have an elliptical in the basement, so I can't say I don't have any tools. I am writing down what I eat, I am following a food plan, and I am showing up to exercise. I am going to figure out a way to get this into my life and make it a part of my habits. And, the biggest thing? I am praying. I believe I am the only who can change me - but I also believe that not only do I need to take positive action, I also need God to help me along the way.
This is scary for me. Obesity is scarier. For myself and my family, I am going to change.
I have been watching the Biggest Loser this season for the first time and I have to say - I really wish I had tried out for the show. Had my sister been willing to go with me, I probably would have at least stood in line. It is amazing to me what can be done physically with enough time, effort, and coaching. My humiliation would be worthwhile to me if it meant I could finally get better and healthy and all of those things.
The one difficulty that I have with the show is that I am not sure if these people are actually given opportunity to spend time with a counselor. There is a huge component to obesity that is psychological: if there wasn't, the diet industry would not be making so much money on repeat customers. I honestly believe that for most people, there is a disease portion to their weight issues, whether that be physical or mental. No one would CHOOSE something that is so unhealthy.
One of my best friends has signed up for lap band surgery. She feels it is really her only option at this point, and is just sick and tired of dealing with all the garbage associated with the yo-yo weight process. Part of me is jealous that she is doing it, in all honesty: if I didn't think I wanted more children, I might consider it myself. My biggest internal concern is simply that for me I am afraid it is more mental than physical: while lap band may work physically, I am more concerned about what happens to all of that mental junk up there when your coping mechanisms dissappear. I've got enough issues with anxiety and depression as it is: if I am going to lose this weight I am going to have to deal with that stuff and do the work that it takes.
So I've started. I figure this is the perfect time: I am unemployed and don't have the excuse that I've not got some time. I have an elliptical in the basement, so I can't say I don't have any tools. I am writing down what I eat, I am following a food plan, and I am showing up to exercise. I am going to figure out a way to get this into my life and make it a part of my habits. And, the biggest thing? I am praying. I believe I am the only who can change me - but I also believe that not only do I need to take positive action, I also need God to help me along the way.
This is scary for me. Obesity is scarier. For myself and my family, I am going to change.
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