Gratitude for undeserved gifts

I had one of those so-called 'Ah-ha' type moments tonight watching Biggest Loser. There is a contestant on there named Abby. She lost her entire family - her husband, little girl and baby - two years ago, and today is on the Biggest Loser.

How do you get to that place where you are able to do that?

I am probably the most egregiously emotional person I know. It doesn't take a great deal to effect me, and I am definitely a sucker for just about any true sentimental story you can throw at me (which is funny, because on the flip side I am also one of the most sarcastic and skeptical people I know as well: the two are an odd combination to say the least).

This made me bawl.

It also somehow got me on the elliptical - but that is another story.

I am sure every mother out there lives with the fear of losing their child, and for each one it is a different experience. For me though, this fear is a deeper issue: I am so enamored of my child - she is so sweet and funny and smart and beautiful - that I don't think I really deserve to have been given her. Seriously. Now granted, even though she is only one, and definitely has signs of potential troublemaker written all over her curious little face, I honestly feel like God has personally given me one of his little angels to raise, and I am terrified, truly terrified, that He is going to realize his mistake and take her back.

Even as I write this I am praying the Good Lord doesn't take me too seriously, and that He doesn't get any ideas. I know my child isn't really mine, she is here for her own journey, etc. etc. but I just never in a million years could have imagined how it feels to be a mother and moreover, do not have words to express how lucky I feel that even though her momma is a little, well, high-strung, thus far she shows all signs of being a happy, joyful lil thing...despite the 10 month continual anxiety attack her mother was for her entire pregnancy.

It was bad. Really bad.

Anyway, I am doing a little better now. I did the elliptical, I did some weights, I walked through the neighborhood in the dark in true dramatic fashion. Hopefully now I will sleep without worry.

Thank you God, for my baby girl, who helps me see You better every day.