Family gratitude

I don't write much anymore.  I don't have much of an excuse except that I usually only have one hand available at a time these days and function at lesser degrees of consciousness a la raising babies: I am frankly afraid my ability to articulate anything well is gone. 

But at 3:09am on July 31, I am both conscious and thoughtful and wanted to jot down a few things.

I am grateful.  I am not always so; frequently I am overwhelmed by the challenges of the day, obsessed with what I am not or frustrated with who I am - but in this moment thankfulness for my lot in life resonates.

I have an amazing daughter - so much so that I worry I will burst of the wonder of her at only the age of 2 and fear the implications of being given such a wonderful gift.  I rejoice in seeing the world anew through her eyes. 

I have a newborn son.  All of 7 weeks old he doesn't do much but exist and be cute; I look daily to see what new changes I might see even as I wonder how life with a boy child is going to change my life.  He is still very new to me but I can't get enough of his smell and soft skin.

My sisters are crazy and maddening but they are mine and I wouldn't trade them for anything; I am comforted and strengthened by them both.  I am lucky enough to still have my mom and dad both, a huge and loving extended family, and a husband who has become my rock in many ways.

At this moment it isn't about the impossible or fear or angst.  In this moment, I just sit here and appreciate being me...and understand how I am not just me but a"lso them.  I am a part of something very special and it is enough. 

I am enough.

Destination Unclear

Do you ever wake up in the morning and just wonder - where the heck am I and how the hell did I get here?

I have many blessings in my life. I have the most loving, beautiful, creative and fun toddler in the world. I have free day care via my mother-in-law. I have a job that pays me enough to put food on our table and gas in my car.

I am pregnant with our second child.

And yet? I still wake up every morning wondering how I got here and where I am going.

The profession that I am in - Human Resources, specifically, recruiting, was not something that I would have picked off a list for things I would love to do. I fell into it: talking to people and making judgement calls and analyzing potentials are all things I can do fairly readily.

But I went to school for writing. I went to school for philosophy. My secret hopes professionally were to become either a counselor of some sort or a writer...

but I never knew what to write, and I am wired as the penultimate of emotional females - a typification which, from my view from the other side of the couch, is likely not exactly a class proven effective in a counseling arena.

What am I good at?

I am a pretty good mom.
I can analyze the heck out of people.
I can occasionally make a good joke.
I am an effective communicator with anyone not in my family of origin.
I am intuitive.
I can usually spot a liar at 100 paces.

Where does this lead me?

Nowhere that I can imagine. I would go to grad school if I knew what I wanted to be; I could set goals if I knew what they were. I would be ecstatic if I even knew what general direction I wanted to head.

Instead, I am here. Pregnant. Married. Employed. Not really designed to be a corporate girl or a ladder-climber, but unsure what in the world God intended me to do when he put me on this earth, and thus far my requests have netted silence.

::birds chirping::

See?

Gratitude for undeserved gifts

I had one of those so-called 'Ah-ha' type moments tonight watching Biggest Loser. There is a contestant on there named Abby. She lost her entire family - her husband, little girl and baby - two years ago, and today is on the Biggest Loser.

How do you get to that place where you are able to do that?

I am probably the most egregiously emotional person I know. It doesn't take a great deal to effect me, and I am definitely a sucker for just about any true sentimental story you can throw at me (which is funny, because on the flip side I am also one of the most sarcastic and skeptical people I know as well: the two are an odd combination to say the least).

This made me bawl.

It also somehow got me on the elliptical - but that is another story.

I am sure every mother out there lives with the fear of losing their child, and for each one it is a different experience. For me though, this fear is a deeper issue: I am so enamored of my child - she is so sweet and funny and smart and beautiful - that I don't think I really deserve to have been given her. Seriously. Now granted, even though she is only one, and definitely has signs of potential troublemaker written all over her curious little face, I honestly feel like God has personally given me one of his little angels to raise, and I am terrified, truly terrified, that He is going to realize his mistake and take her back.

Even as I write this I am praying the Good Lord doesn't take me too seriously, and that He doesn't get any ideas. I know my child isn't really mine, she is here for her own journey, etc. etc. but I just never in a million years could have imagined how it feels to be a mother and moreover, do not have words to express how lucky I feel that even though her momma is a little, well, high-strung, thus far she shows all signs of being a happy, joyful lil thing...despite the 10 month continual anxiety attack her mother was for her entire pregnancy.

It was bad. Really bad.

Anyway, I am doing a little better now. I did the elliptical, I did some weights, I walked through the neighborhood in the dark in true dramatic fashion. Hopefully now I will sleep without worry.

Thank you God, for my baby girl, who helps me see You better every day.

Biggest Loser Home Edition

OK, I may have mentioned I am presently embroiled in a weight loss initiative. While actual numbers here are probably not important to you - they are important to me, and I have over 100 lbs to lose before I am on the books anywhere close to healthy.

I have been watching the Biggest Loser this season for the first time and I have to say - I really wish I had tried out for the show. Had my sister been willing to go with me, I probably would have at least stood in line. It is amazing to me what can be done physically with enough time, effort, and coaching. My humiliation would be worthwhile to me if it meant I could finally get better and healthy and all of those things.

The one difficulty that I have with the show is that I am not sure if these people are actually given opportunity to spend time with a counselor. There is a huge component to obesity that is psychological: if there wasn't, the diet industry would not be making so much money on repeat customers. I honestly believe that for most people, there is a disease portion to their weight issues, whether that be physical or mental. No one would CHOOSE something that is so unhealthy.

One of my best friends has signed up for lap band surgery. She feels it is really her only option at this point, and is just sick and tired of dealing with all the garbage associated with the yo-yo weight process. Part of me is jealous that she is doing it, in all honesty: if I didn't think I wanted more children, I might consider it myself. My biggest internal concern is simply that for me I am afraid it is more mental than physical: while lap band may work physically, I am more concerned about what happens to all of that mental junk up there when your coping mechanisms dissappear. I've got enough issues with anxiety and depression as it is: if I am going to lose this weight I am going to have to deal with that stuff and do the work that it takes.

So I've started. I figure this is the perfect time: I am unemployed and don't have the excuse that I've not got some time. I have an elliptical in the basement, so I can't say I don't have any tools. I am writing down what I eat, I am following a food plan, and I am showing up to exercise. I am going to figure out a way to get this into my life and make it a part of my habits. And, the biggest thing? I am praying. I believe I am the only who can change me - but I also believe that not only do I need to take positive action, I also need God to help me along the way.

This is scary for me. Obesity is scarier. For myself and my family, I am going to change.

New Ventures

So...I've started a new venture as an Examiner at Examiner.com. I am almost afraid to be excited about it, but it certainly beats being consumed with worry on my pending unemployment.

It is a strange thing: I've always wanted to write and always enjoyed the process - it's more been the lack of creative story lines etc. that have kept me from attempting much more than commentary or the odd short story or just random journal-writing. I'm psyched, but it also leaves one feeling pretty vulnerable: to have a little bit of yourself out there all exposed is terrifying.

I'm actually having fun! I don't know how long this will last and I am trying not to look too far ahead but it is a strange feeling to be enjoying what I am doing for once, even if thus far I think I've earned all of $1.97 doing it.

Still hoping for that big lottery win!

Anyway, here is my favorite picture from my article today.

The Shot I Missed

Have you ever had a critical point in your life where you know had you taken another path you might've ended up in a completely different world?

A long time ago, like, in 2001 - I had the opportunity to interview for a comedy writing job at the gaming company Jellyvision, makers of "You Don't Know Jack!". I had written an application letter as though I were doing so from prison - and I wish to God that I still had it today because I think it was actually pretty good. (It got a response at any rate!)

In any case, I had just taken a job as a recruiter when Jellyvision called and offered me the opportunity to interview. In what had to be the biggest mistake of my career, I turned down that interview, thinking it went against the ethics of interiewing for one job when you had just accepted another. Also, in all truth, I think I was a little scared.

I still think there is a certain line that you should not cross in taking a new job. You should not just jump and take "anything". You should have respect for your new company and your new position. You should make your job choices carefully and moves thoughtfully.

That said - the next time someone gives me the opportunity to interview for a dream job, well, let's just say I am, at the very least, planning on showing up - you only get to live this wacky life once (at least I'm pretty sure) !!!

Some Things Fall Apart...and Some Need To.

You get up in the morning and get the baby a bottle, dressed, etc. You find a tie for your husband. You squeeze in a shower but cannot manage to get it dried as well. You kiss baby and hubby goodbye, jump in the car, negotiate traffic and are in the office by 8am to start your work day.

Your work day ends around 7pm. You drive home, kiss husband, grab baby, try and shove as much love, attention and nurturing as you can in a 2 hr time slot. Baby goes in the crib, the laptop comes out and guess what? You are working again.

While I cannot say that this is truly living - it wasn't, I can say that working as hard as I did to try and make myself recession-proof ultimately did not provide the payoff I'd hoped. Through no fault of my own, despite the number of hours worked, I found out last week that as of August 7th I am out of a job.

There comes a time when you need to start looking at the way you are living and the prayers you are praying. It's funny - that very morning I was "Hail Mary'ing" my way to what end, I don't know. I was praying for something - some kind of respite. Then to actually have it happen on that day - well, to say the least, I am floored.

I work in HR. I know what it is like out there - each of my days is like reading another list of stories that ended poorly on resumes. I had made it through several rounds of RIF's already at my company, and was counted on to help keep the faith of our staff at large...communicating only a positive message to my hiring managers, etc. Ironically, I am now held to an agreement not to tell anyone that this time it is ME losing the job...and I can keep the job that I have for an additional few weeks in exchange for my silence.

I do have a sense of humor - I do see the irony in this. I do believe that things happen for a reason, and that this occurrence is probably some response to my prayers or lack of movement as well. Seeing Sydney and the thought of actually getting to spend some time emmersed in watching her grow is exciting, as is the prospect of a few weeks off. Heck, maybe I can actually work out or garden?!

But OH THE FEAR!!! I've looked at what is out there, I've started networking, I've already tried to start the creative juices running. I have even looked at maybe doing something different, something I love more with more creativity and freedom involved... it is a fight between my hope and my anxiety on a daily basis.

Today, hope is winning. That said - I never want to put myself in this position again. Work has gotten far too large a portion of my baby's life and taken too much of me away in the past nine months...without even the reward of stable employment. In the end - I had no control over whether or not I kept my job at all. Next time is going to be different.